Weird Beliefs I Had as a Child

The ignorance and creativity of the child mind allow for odd thoughts and beliefs to flourish. My own mind was no exception. Now that I am something of an adult, I know how little I knew, and how wrong some of what I thought I knew was. And I can laugh about it all because how else would I pass the time?

  • "MacArthur Park" was a song made up for The Simpsons.

In "Lisa the Beauty Queen" (season four, episode four), Lisa competes in the Little Miss Springfield pageant. During the talent competition of this pageant, Apu's niece performs a song with the lyrics, "And I'll never have that recipe again. Oh, no!" When I first saw this episode, I had never heard the song "MacArthur Park". It was many years later when, while listening to an HD radio station targeted at a gay audience, I heard the song and linked it to that Simpsons episode.

Apu's niece performing MacArthur Park.

  • Breaking the television screen would flood the room with the world of whatever show was airing.

Fortunately, I never tested out that theory. However, I was very tempted to whenever I watched The Snorks. I must have had an inkling that my belief wasn't true, but I thought maybe, just maybe, I could transform my living room into a lively undersea world.

The Snorks

  • The refrain to the Bee Gees' "Stayin' Alive" was "Skinny Delight".

The first time I heard "Stayin' Alive" must have been the low-cal 1980s. I didn't know the title of the song, and I couldn't make out any other lyrics, so my brain decided that they were singing about some wondrous skinny delight. Perhaps it was frozen yogurt.

  • There was a thing called "Staffengo Traffic".

My dad always listened to WTIC 1080 AM in the car. I guess the traffic guy didn't enunciate very well, and to boot I knew nothing about traffic as a preschooler. I always thought the traffic reports were referring to some type of mysterious traffic called "Staffengo". I had no idea what "Staffengo" traffic could be, but I figured adults must know, or else why would the traffic guy keep bringing it up? It was years later when I realized he meant "stop-and-go" traffic. That made much more sense.

  • Every time you have sex, you get pregnant.

Unless, of course, you were already pregnant or too old to get pregnant, although I don't think my child brain could conceive (no pun intended) of having intimate relations in such scenarios. This belief was fueled by the fact that my brother was born less than a year after my parents got married. I knew that the wedding night was the first time a couple would make the beasts with two backs (and it was that way for every couple, right?), so I assumed that following my parents nuptials—bada boom!—George was created. I'd actually done the math wrong considering George was premature, and, very fortunately, I eventually learned the truth.

I know I must have held more wacky beliefs as a wee one, but these are all I can remember thus far. Maybe my brain just doesn't want to embarrass itself by dredging up more ignorance.

Did you believe any stupid, silly, or off-the-wall things as a child? What were they?